Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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