My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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