highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
