I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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