Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
