ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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