Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
