There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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