Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
