the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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