I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
