textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
