if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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