when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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