I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
