please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
