In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
