She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
