There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
