"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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