got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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