new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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