Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Welp...herpes.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My liver just had a heart attack.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
