Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
