the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
