Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
