party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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