final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
