I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
babies were throwing up all over the place
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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