I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
