***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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