Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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