Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
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Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
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That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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