If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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