No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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