i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
