He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
