We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
