you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
