i don't like sucking hair
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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