ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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