well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
