I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
