He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
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I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
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Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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