He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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