she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
