what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
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If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
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And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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