I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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