I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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