I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
