Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
