Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
