Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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