dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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