Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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