closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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