I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
